iv.

had a dream about a rolodex of some sort. title it “rolodex dream”, refer to it in my head that way. document begins with “ever since the rolodex dream i’ve…”.

my life is organized into chapters by shifts in my thinking rather than events.

connie and i walk in sync down the front of baldwin hills – facing the city. it’s a continuous, rhythmic down down down down motion + sound that paralleled my dream in a way that feels real and actual and intentional – like – our arrival wasn’t planned, but i felt strongly we were supposed to be there and i was supposed to look out at the city and imagine the buildings as bodies and moments of illumination as blinking eyes..

it felt LOST like robotripping in a crowded hallway – the fire alarm goes off and we we walk down kelton avenue and end up on a roof. my toxic interior yells ESCAPE THE ROOF.

the dream felt the same –  except instead of the roof of an apartment on kelton,  it was a mountain range. i walk down the hill with gabe.. and i am so sad like maybe on the verge of death or maybe plotting to kill myself

im about to pull the trigger – not the physical trigger – really ready to crumble at the base of the mountain..when gabe yells “WAIT CAMILLE”

and everything is still and i look at him and he says

“you’re destroying your image”

and then the screen above my head that displays my living form (a projection of my human face) bursts into a million pieces

and i’m dead. my body is gone.. dissolves away with the mountains, the city…

everything is blank
and then the dream is over.

(currently trying to recreate this dream. attempt #1,  https://vimeo.com/207713815)